I went to bed with a question, I woke up with a question, I lived every day with this question in my heart… Why? Why the struggle? Why the pain? Why the trials? Why the suffering? Why?

One night I had a dream, I was in a dark, tight place, the walls were squeezing me and I had the urge to get out. I realized I was in a cocoon and could feel there was a small opening but no matter how much I pushed against it I couldn’t get out. I felt despair, I felt utterly alone, I felt like giving up, stopping the effort and the pain of working so hard trying to free myself.

Somehow, I knew I had been in this cocoon for 10,000 years and knew that if I gave up now I would be stillborn and go through the process I had just completed for another 10,000 years. I would come to the same place I was today and face the same struggle.

Why? I asked again softly, why can’t I emerge easily and with grace?

A voice came from the outside and the voice said the only way I would be prepared to fly and fulfill my purpose and desires was through the struggle to get out. The effort and pain was pushing life into my wings, making them strong, awakening every cell to the fullest expression of their being.

If somebody were to help me, cutting open the cocoon my wings would be stunted. I would not be able to soar to the heights I saw in the picture of my soul. I would emerge to hobble and skip close to the same ground I had lived in as a caterpillar before my transformation. I would never be able to take off and see the world from a different perspective, enjoy the air of realization, the breeze of freedom and the joy of absolute love.

I wanted to give up, I wanted to let go, I wanted to close my eyes and stop suffering. I was tempted to stop the pain and more than anything to not be lonely anymore, to not be in that cocoon alone, struggling, trying, seeking and longing for company and understanding.

The same voice spoke again and said “you are not alone, I am with you”. All of a sudden I had a flash of recognition, the voice that was coming from the outside was my voice. At that moment, my vision focused on a cocoon, I could see an opening, I could see a bright blue wing peeking out. Suddenly, I was both the butterfly inside the cocoon and the being outside of the cocoon looking in connected through God.

I had the instant certainty that I wasn’t alone, I had never been alone as I had always been there with me. Someone was watching over me, cheering me on, supporting me through these darkest times. This gave me the courage to keep moving, to keep working, to keep trying. The effort felt easier because I knew I was getting somewhere. Eventually one wing came out and then the other wing and the breeze, cool and electrifying rolled through my newly emerged self.

I knew this place. I had been there before, but could barely recognize it as I looked at it with new eyes. I had changed, I had transformed from that caterpillar foraging in the ground, gathering the strength, the knowledge and the wisdom to prepare me to fly.

Now was the time to explore the beauty of soaring free to discover unknown worlds and have new experiences.

The question, “Why” had been answered and I felt the new question arising… How?